what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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