Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
