We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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