Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i came on her dog
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
