there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
