I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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