Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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