It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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