i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
