I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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