Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
