I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
