i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
