Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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