Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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