True but thats because hes a fetus.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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