This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
