I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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