I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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