is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
