I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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