Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
