Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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