I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
