I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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