i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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