you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
