At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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