Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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