Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
