This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
