i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
