I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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