I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
