I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
