I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
