we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
