Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
