how can u be prego again
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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