Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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