drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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