You're completely useless in the revolution.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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