I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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