if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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