Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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