I wish I could punch you in the face.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
