Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
