She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
