I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
