I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
