I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
