no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Four minutes until I can fart!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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