Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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