I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
