Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
