to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This is my gift to your gina
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
