Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
