Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
