when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
send nudes
from the living room?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
