Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
