we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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