Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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